You Should be Over It by Now

Scripture Prompt

You Should Be Over It by Now

Regret what you have done. Regret what others have done. Regret is hard to get over. It’s time to get over it, to shake away those long-term memories of regret that lead to shame and guilt. Rehashing the past helps as a starting point, but 10 years later?

You rehash it in your head. You keep repeating all the stuff to others who will listen. You go to therapy for 20 years and do not apply what would work. Failure is one of the best teachers.

Learning to forget

Dwelling on the past messes with your mind. If you could have…. You should have….. You would have…. If only you had…. If only they had…. Why did God allow…what if? All those thoughts may run through your mind until you feel like you are going crazy! These anxiety-producing thoughts rip the joy out of your life.

To get rid of those long-term regrets, you have several options.

1. Try harder to forget. That does not work. Actually, that often reinforces it.
2. Whistle a happy tune. Well, that works somewhat because you are replacing a negative thought with a positive one.
3. Accept what is. That works. The past is the past and cannot be changed.

Learning from others

Jeremiah also had these challenges. Notice how he travels through the stages of grief — from denial to anger, to bargaining, to depression, to finally getting to acceptance.

I am the man who has seen affliction by the rod of the Lord’s wrath. He has driven me away and made me walk in darkness rather than light; indeed, he has turned his hand against me again and again, all day long. He has made my skin and my flesh grow old and has broken my bones. He has besieged me and surrounded me with bitterness and hardship. He has made me dwell in darkness like those long dead.

He has walled me in so I cannot escape; he has weighed me down with chains. Even when I call out or cry for help, he shuts out my prayer. He has barred my way with blocks of stone; he has made my paths crooked.

Like a bear lying in wait, like a lion in hiding, he dragged me from the path and mangled me and left me without help. He drew his bow and made me the target for his arrows. He pierced my heart with arrows from his quiver.

I became the laughingstock of all my people; they mock me in song all day long. He has filled me with bitter herbs and given me gall to drink. He has broken my teeth with gravel; he has trampled me in the dust. I have been deprived of peace; I have forgotten what prosperity is. So I say, “My splendor is gone and all that I had hoped from the Lord.”

I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall. I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me.

Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.

I say to myself, “The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.” The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord. (Jeremiah 3:1–26, NIV)

Learning on the path to healing

As Jeremiah waited for the LORD to execute the revenge and vindicate him, he worked through his pain of loss. Like him, the only time that you have control over is the present.

1. Denial: At first, you may deny the facts, not face the reality, and lie to yourself. For example, one woman did not want to face getting older. She refused to be called Grandma (true story). Either confront your denial on your own or ask others to shower you with a dose of refreshing reality.
2. Anger: Breaking through denial leads to anger. That’s not fair! Death and destruction are not fair. Betrayal is not fair. Lies are not fair. Illnesses and diseases are not fair. Process your anger that has now surfaced. Doing that is not a pleasant feeling. You are mad!!!!!!! You are bitter!!!!!!! This should not have happened!!!!!!
3. Bargaining: Oh, it is gone, but you try to figure out a way to get it back to the way it was! You may feel like you have lost your identity. You keep trying to get it back — whatever “it” is. You keep reminding yourself of what you want, what you lost, and what you want. Validating this step helps to clarify what you lost, what is, and what is ahead for you now in the present and for the future without what you had.
4. Depression: You have lost it — your health, your family, your relationships, your money, your reputation…on and on. You cannot get it back. There is nothing that you can do to fix it. You lost. You did not win. Reality sets in.
5. Acceptance: Ok, now you are ok with whatever happened, with whatever you did, with whatever they did, with whatever weather did, or whatever war did to you and to others. You cannot change it. So…now is now, and you can only live in the present. You let go of bitterness. You forgive. You see the open door ahead of you. You are no longer stuck in the past, plagued by memories of what could have been. You let that go. You replace past memories with a focus on the present and the future. I can change my perception.

Learning to let go of the pain

Helen Keller endured circumstances that caused her to become both blind and deaf. She suffered the loss of sight and sound at an early age. Yet, she rose above her circumstances to encourage many others in her lifetime and beyond.

“When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us.”
(Helen Keller Quotes on Happiness)

You can choose to turn around and look at the open door. You can choose to stop staring at the past. You can choose to stop dwelling on what might have been. As a result, accepting the present instead of denying reality can put you on the freeway of letting go of whatever is bothering you now. Letting go is like a death, but you now are not continuing on the rutty road of regret. Now you want to check the map and take the onramp to freedom from guilt and shame that inevitably result to cause you to crush your joy and crash your life.

The stages of grief help you identify where you are in the process. In general, these are both stages and states of being in the steps to healing.